no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
