I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
