Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
