From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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