Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
