So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
