he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
