is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
