Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The Olympian is in my bed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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