peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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