My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
