It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
