nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
