drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You are a genius and a whore.
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