I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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