Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
