Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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