What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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