i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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