I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
