I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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