I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
