that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I touched a dick in church today
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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