I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
