I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
