sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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