I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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