i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
