I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
