FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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