yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
