Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
