so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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