All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
