FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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