I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
