Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
