I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
