my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
