you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
