my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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