My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
is that a dick in a sweater?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
