Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
