my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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