Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
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I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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