You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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