I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So vagazzling was a success
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
