i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
