All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
