I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
