Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
