tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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