yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
