also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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