you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
