If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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