i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
