Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
