You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i out mim tonsoeep
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