The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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