at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
