Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
