so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
