Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
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Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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