Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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