I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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